Alice Giddings
Published December 5, 2025 5:00am
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This week’s diarist has mixed feelings about her sex life (Picture: Myles Goode/ Getty)
Welcome to How I Do It, the series in which we give you a seven-day sneak peek into the sex life of a stranger.
This week, we hear from, Freya*, 40, who has been with her husband Jake* for 18 years, and married for 10.
While Freya is straight, Jake is bisexual and, at 54 years old, he doesn’t have the same desire for sex that she does.
‘Jake’s sex drive is definitely lower than mine,’ Freya says. ‘After he turned 40 it started to dip, while mine has gone up and up! Add in the fact he works night shifts, and I have a very busy life with lots of commitments, it can be quite frustrating.’
They can go for weeks without sex for this reason, but then sometimes have it twice a day if he’s not working. ‘I’d rather have brilliant sex less often, than average sex a couple of times a week. That would bore me,’ she adds.
Freya also admits she’s afraid she’ll get bored of having sex with just Jake for the rest of her life — but they have a solution for this too.
‘Even before we got married, we spoke about one day opening it up and involving other people. We haven’t yet, but knowing we could helps us both feel less trapped,’ she explains.
‘Jake came out as bisexual a few years ago and while he hasn’t explored being with a man yet, I would be open to it.’
Without further ado, here’s how Freya got on this week…
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The following sex diary is, as you might imagine, not safe for work.
Saturday
Jake gets in from his night shift early in the morning, so I get up and leave the house so he can sleep. I grab a coffee and post some Vinted parcels before heading home for a late lunch.
Jake is on a night shift again tonight, so no sex. I decide to have a ‘me’ date – I put on Lily Allen’s new album, light a few candles and open a bottle of red.
Feeling frisky, I whip out my vibrator (I’m a Rampant Rabbit stan) and I go to watch my favourite porn – Fake Taxi – where someone gets railed in a cab.
I’ve of course completely forgotten you can’t even get on to Pornhub without feeling like you’re applying for a visa now — verification systems, ID checks, pop-ups asking if you’re really sure you’re an adult.
By the time I’ve jumped through all the hoops, the mood’s evaporated and I’m left scrolling TikTok instead. It’s not exactly the erotic release I was hoping for.
Sunday
No sex again. When he arrives home from work, I’m half asleep. After a while I drag myself out of bed to meet a friend for coffee and spend the rest of the day batch cooking.
Just when I’m feeling horny, he has to leave for his next shift. It’s not that the spark’s gone, Jake is always telling me how sexy I am and is very tactile, but his work often makes things logistically inconvenient.
It’s frustrating and I often say this to him — but it’s the nature of his job and not a great deal can be done to change things. Plus, we always make up for it when we can.
Monday
I’m heading off on a work trip to Lisbon tomorrow. I’ve got an early flight so I booked a Premier Inn by the terminal for tonight, and head there straight from the office.
As I’ve hardly seen Jake because of his shifts, he decides to join me for the night. We have a very average dinner in the restaurant (pizza for me, curry for him) and a glass of wine each before heading to the room to watch Big Brother in bed.
I’m not expecting much other than a decent night’s sleep (Premier Inn mattresses and cushions are next level comfy) but something about this purple-lit room works its magic…
The bed is massive, the air-con is humming, and for once, there’s no shift schedules or arguments about who last emptied the dishwasher getting between us.
I begin by giving Jake a blow job — something I know he loves and I enjoy, too. We have really good sex twice – I’m on top the first time which is quite frantic and didn’t last too long – then it’s slightly slower the second time in missionary.
It’s fantastic. We both then drift off to sleep very quickly, smug smiles on our faces.
Tuesday
At 6am, just before my alarm goes off, I feel a poke in my back… Jake is awake and ready for round three!
I give him a quick hand job before we have a quickie. It’s so fun and as he waves me off to go and check in, I feel more connected to him than I have in ages.
That’s the thing about long-term relationships; the sex isn’t always glamorous or perfectly timed. Sometimes you just need a budget hotel by a motorway!
We’ve previously talked about involving another person for sex – and it would just be that. No dates or texting. Just sex.
It was Jake that first brought it up. I do have a higher sex drive than him and he wanted to make sure I was happy and satisfied. Me being happy is always his main priority which is sweet.
But Jake would like a threesome, whereas I’d prefer to do something separately. We just need to communicate about the situation before acting on it. For me, the idea of involving another person isn’t about replacing anything, it’s just about trying something new out.
For now though, we’re just fine.
Wednesday
It’s a busy day in Lisbon for work. I send Jake a few messages telling him how much I loved our spicy night on Monday. He says he missed me.
I send him a couple of pics a colleague takes of me at dinner and he says I’m beautiful and he feels very lucky. After 18 years together, it’s nice to see the passion and love is still there!
I’ve never doubted it since I’m pretty self-assured, but who doesn’t love to feel wanted?
Thursday
Another busy day at our Portuguese office, catching up with clients and colleagues. We go for a delicious lunch and I get some much needed sunshine before flying home.
Jake has cooked fajitas – my favourite dinner – and we cuddle up on the sofa before I head to bed, exhausted from the travelling.
There’s no sex tonight but a cuddle is more than enough. I’m still on a high from our sex earlier in the week. It always makes me feel much more connected to him.
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Friday
It’s our 10th wedding anniversary! I have to get up early to work so there’s just enough time to exchange cards and give each other a quick peck before I head off, but we have a very fancy dinner at a five-star hotel planned for the evening.
Jake is waiting for me at the table and has already ordered a bottle of Champagne. The staff are lovely, showering us with anniversary wishes before serving us the best four courses I’ve had in a long time – the beef wellington is best we’ve ever had.
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I struggle to finish my dessert as I’m so full but then they bring out some fancy chocolates with happy anniversary piped out in dark chocolate, so we feel obliged to eat them.
By then, we’re so full, we can’t even squeeze in a cocktail night cap.Instead, we head for the tube furthest away to try and work off some of the food.
We’re home before 10pm, and I’d planned for a quickie at least to celebrate our 10-year milestone. But we’re so bloated, neither of us are in the mood. In fact, the idea of sex feels laughable!
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I am slightly disappointed. Ten years! We should mark it with something more than indigestion, but then I think back to our night at Premier Inn and remember the spark is very much still burning bright…
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