The Disrespectful Bryce Index: An Oklahoma Special

I’m kind of pissed off today.

Not because Missouri is 7-4, mind you. When Beau Pribula went down with a dislocated ankle against Vanderbilt earlier this season, I figured we might end up at this point, with not much to play for but pride by the time Thanksgiving rolled around. And I’m OK with that, to be frank. I’ve spent most of my life wishing Missouri would scrounge its way to 7 or 8 wins, so the possibility of 9 being firmly on the table? That’s a win in my book.

No, I’m pissed because Mizzou’s loss to Oklahoma (ugh) was so ugly and boring that, guess what? There’s no Disrespectful Play to light up this week’s Disrespectful Play Index. Trust me. I went through the highlights and Mizzou put up a big fat goose egg. The best I could’ve mustered was an Ahmad Hardy 20-yard run in the first half… maybe? That’d be stretching it, as he essentially caught the zone and broke one tackle before being brought down. That’s grading out to, like, a 30 at best. And while my initial dabblings with the DPI would’ve seen me concede a play to Oklahoma, I can’t bring myself to do that anymore. I measure the amount of respect I have for myself by the amount of disrespect I have for Mizzou’s opponents. And I don’t respect Oklahoma. Why would I? For being the 9th worst state to live in? For being the third worst in Education and Health Care?

So instead of a Disrespectful Play Index this week, we’re cooking up an Oklahoma Sooner special. And we’re going to rank the disrespectful Bryce’s I saw in the stands on Saturday.

Why the name “Bryce” you ask? Because the first guy I saw in the highlights package looked like a Bryce. In fact, I’m 99 percent sure his legal name is Bryce. If it’s not, I’m calling him Bryce anyway. You can’t see his face (featured on this list a bit later) and not immediately point at your screen and say, “BRYCE!” He’s the most Bryce-ass Bryce you ever did lay eyes on. (I should also note that I know an Oklahoma fan named Bryce. He’s a good guy. Hi, Bryce.)

This isn’t backed by research, I should note. Bryce isn’t even on the list of Top 50 boy baby names in Oklahoma, according to babynames.com. But I call bullshit. Because I saw a lot of Bryce’s in those stands, both literal and spiritual. In fact, I’d wager that there are more Bryces per capita in Oklahoma than in any other U.S. state. Oh hey, we found something Oklahoma is good at!

No categories today. Just some rankings that we’re calling an index. Just because.

6. Bryson

We’re not going full Bryce here because, let’s face it, we’d be excited too if our team was on the verge of the College Football Playoff. And maybe I just have a soft spot for marching band kids, but there’s something endearing about this photo. Of the three main characters here, the one on the right is giving off the most Bryce energy, but it’s also wholesome at the same time. So we’ll downgrade this Bryce to a Bryson and give them 1.5 out of 10 on the Disrespectful Bryce Index. They’re not being mean. They’re just happy. And who doesn’t want to be happy these days?

5. Bryce Unity

I noticed pretty early on that Oklahoma helpfully mislabeled all of their players names on their anthracite alternates, making identifying and writing about them incredibly helpful. As a bonus, they went with “Unity” as the stock last name, one of the most generic, high school musical ass characteristics you could attribute to your team. College football coaches stay the least creative people in the damn world. And since I can’t possibly find out what this man’s real name is, he gets assigned the official designation of Bryce Unity, Oklahoma linebacker.

Mr. Unity here was giving off big-time Bryce energy when he Joaquin Phoenix’d a sack celebration. Not only is it a bit underwhelming, it doesn’t make a ton of sense? Typical Bryce move. Mr. Unity, 58th of his name, gets 6.18 out of 10 on the Disrespectful Bryce Index.

4. Sideline Bryce (and Sideline Brice)

Brent Venables was giving off unholy amounts of Bryce on the sideline last Saturday, watching as his undisciplined team continually found ways to keep Missouri in the game for far longer than he should have. Did he respond by getting on his players about being more disciplined? No, he just dipped into his Karen reserves and complained. I’m sure attitude that’ll be helpful once the playoff rolls around, though. And since “Brent” starts with the same two letters as “Bryce,” it’s a pretty easy transition.

Maybe Brent Bryce is feeding off the energy of his friend in the pink hat as well? Not only is that one of the most powerful Bryce faces I’ve ever seen, the pink hat and bright blue hoodie (I know they’re for visibility, relax) exude the type of frat boy energy that spiritually aligns with the Bryce mantra. But we can’t have two “Bryces” right next to each other. So let’s call him “Brice.” Sideline Bryce and Sideline Brice register at a 7.43 out of 10 on the Disrespectful Bryce Index.

3. The Bryce Collective

I’ll admit, I think I’m stretching a bit here. None of these four give off total Bryce, but I think their collective efforts are actually quite powerful. Consider the broccoli haircut of our left-most Bryce, the confused entitlement of left-center Bryce, the bewildered naivety of right-center Bryce and, perhaps most importantly, the “college football is my life,” backwards cap style of right-most Bryce. Separate, they are but fans. Together, they make one extremely compelling Bryce Collective. So we’re giving them a sturdy 8.6 out of 10 on the Disrespectful Bryce Index.

2. Breyse

Remember that lady that went viral a few years back because of her butchery of the English language in an attempt to conjure a few of the whitest baby names you’ve ever heard in your life?

Getting big-time vibes from our friend on the left here. It’s giving “LaKynn” energy, but, you know, it’s Bryce. She’s also doing a half-hearted field goal sign (raise the roof maybe?) for a failed third-down conversion. The signals are confusing. We’re going to give our lady Breyse here an 9.3/10 on the Disrespectful Bryce Index.

1. The Titular Bryce

My god. Look at the Bryce of that lad. Absolute unit.

There are a fair share of hyperboles and absurdisms littered throughout this piece, but if I can be truthful for just one second. When I was rewatching this highlight reel, begging the lord to bring me something (anything) to write about, seeing this face was my answer to prayer. Because as soon as he popped up on screen, I heard it in my heart like a soft, still voice: “Bryce.”

I don’t think I need to explain why I think our friend hear embodies the name. I think the whole of it – the hair, the glower, the folded arms, the head tilt, the hoodie – speaks for itself. I would be willing to bet any amount of money that this man is out there and that his Christian name is Bryce. And if its not, his parents are spitting in the face of God. This is it, the perfect 10 out of 10 on the Disrespectful Bryce Index.