Newlywed Virginia ‘breadwinner’ fears merging finances with her ‘secretive’ husband. Dave Ramsey says she has no choice

After getting married or moving in together, many couples pool at least a portion of their finances in a joint account. But Sarah, a newlywed from Virginia — and the “breadwinner” — is worried about what will happen if she combines finances with her financially unfaithful husband.

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They’ve been married three months, and she’s discovered he “wasn’t as financially responsible” as she’d thought. And he has been “secretive about his debt,” she told The Ramsey Show (1).

Sarah purchased a home in 2023 and is working to get herself out of debt, which includes paying off her car in the next year and tackling a few other debts. But her husband wants to merge accounts and she’s worried that will send them deeper into debt.

But Dave Ramsey says combining their finances “is the only way to get transparency and accountability on where every dollar is going.” Here’s why.

Building a foundation of trust

It’s important to note that while Ramsey believes the merging of finances in a marriage is necessary, there are other experts like Kevin O’Leary who advise against it. In fact, O’Leary believes that everyone should get a prenup, something Ramsey believes dooms a marriage.

The majority of American couples keep “at least some of their money separate,” according to a Bankrate survey, which found that 34% of couples have both separate and joint accounts and 27% keep totally separate accounts (2).

The same survey, however, found that 40% of adults who live with their partner (either married or common-law) have committed financial infidelity. That includes overspending (and not telling their partner), having secret debt or keeping a secret bank account or credit card.

Sarah, for example, told The Ramsey Show that her husband said he paid the gas bill, but when she called the gas company, he still owed a balance of $1,200. However, it’s unclear from the call if she’s dealing with financial infidelity or someone who’s disorganized.

Financial infidelity isn’t necessarily the sign of a pathological liar. Shame and guilt could be reasons for hiding debt or bad spending habits.

One longitudinal study from 2023 found that couples who merged their finances tended to have a stronger relationship during their first two years of marriage than those who kept their money separate (3).

Read More: Are you richer than you think? 5 clear signs you’re punching way above the average American

While there could be several reasons for this, Lindsay Bryan-Podvin, financial therapist and author of The Financial Anxiety Solution, told NPR that a joint bank account “decreases the likelihood of financial infidelity” (4). Having a fully joint account means “couples are able to spend and save and talk about that very openly.”

Sarah is the “breadwinner,” earning an annual salary of $62,000. Her husband works for a cable company for $12 an hour and makes an inconsistent income; one week he might make $300 and another week he might make $500.

While Sarah may be afraid of losing financial control if they open a joint account, she’d also know exactly how much he’s making, how much he’s spending and if he’s actually paid the bills. If they keep their finances separate, she may always wonder if he’s being financially unfaithful — and, without a foundation of trust, that could put an enormous strain on their marriage.

“The primary reason people get divorced [is] when contempt rolls in, so you’ve got to solve for that or this marriage isn’t going to make it,” Ramsey told Sarah.

How to merge finances

Sarah and her husband are seeing a marriage counselor, but there are some other steps they can take to get on the same page with their finances. They could take a “yours, mine and ours” approach, with a joint account for shared expenses and separate accounts for personal expenses.

This can work well “when the bulk of your money is shared,” Bryan-Podvin told NPR. “You [can use your joint account to] make sure your bills and rent are paid on time and save toward future goals together.”

They could start by creating a budget, pooling at least a portion of their income into a joint account and ensuring that both contribute to the bills.

Setting up regular meetings (say, once a month) to discuss their budget — what’s working, what’s not — can help them adjust where necessary and work toward future goals. A budget should be considered a living document that can change with time (say, if her husband gets a higher-paying job).

In instances where one partner makes significantly more money than the other (like Sarah and her husband), it often doesn’t make sense to split everything 50-50. Rather, they could each contribute a proportionate amount of their overall income to bills. If her husband tends to forget paying the bills, they could set their bills to auto-pay, which also takes some pressure off Sarah.

If they pool all of their money in one account and both agree where every dollar of their income will go each month, then “he has agreed to his spending level and you have too, before it occurs,” Ramsey told Sarah. If he does otherwise, “you’re dealing with someone who can’t keep a contract now with his wife.”

And that’s a different kind of problem.

Sarah’s situation may also serve as a cautionary tale for others: make sure you fully understand your partner’s financial picture before you get hitched.

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Article sources

We rely only on vetted sources and credible third-party reporting. For details, see our editorial ethics and guidelines.

The Ramsey Show/YouTube (1); Bankrate (2); Journal of Consumer Research (3); NPR (4);

This article provides information only and should not be construed as advice. It is provided without warranty of any kind.